Holidays After Divorce – Bring Peace on Earth to Your Kids

December 20, 2015, 10:53 am

≫ Next: Why “Fair” is the F-Word in Divorce Negotiations

For many of my clients, the the holidays after divorce can be a difficult time. Many are keenly aware of the loss they have suffered as the result of their divorce and will go to great lengths to preserve a sense of family. The changes to the family, for many, are in stark contrast to the ideal Norman Rockwell Holiday memories they want their kids to have. People also, quite reasonably, want their children with them on those special days. All of that is reasonable, but when the wish to have your kids with you on a special Holiday turns into conflict between you and your ex, your kids can suffer.

It’s a bit ironic that in this season when we are supposedly celebrating peace on earth, some of the greatest interfamily conflict can occur and if you’re not careful, your kids will be right in the middle of it. Here are just a few ideas about how to bring “Peace on Earth” to your kids for the holidays after divorce:

Consider Celebrating Some Part of the Holiday Together with Your Ex.

I know, you worked hard to get away from your former spouse, but your kids didn’t. For their sake, consider putting the past behind you and let your kids open presents with both of their parents. That said, if you just can’t be in the same room with the other parent without it devolving into a slug fest, then reconsider. But if you both can keep it together long enough for the kids to have a nice holiday, you will have done something very kind for them. This is the season of giving after all.

Coordinate Presents with the other Parent.

Much of the holidays after divorce conflict we see is when the parents compete with each other over the present giving. Don’t let that happen. Rather, spend some time early coordinating the gift giving with the other parent. Perhaps consider purchasing joint gifts. Don’t let something as beautiful as gift giving turn into an ugly competition.

Don’t Project Your Own Emotions About the Holidays After Divorce Onto Your Kids.

Holidays stir up all kinds of feelings and emotions. Regret, guilt, anger, resentment, loneliness- these are feelings that can pop up in spades during the holidays. However, if these are your emotions, they might not necessarily be what your kids are feeling. We have a tendency to project our own feelings and frustrations onto others, when that is usually not appropriate. Be aware of that and keep your expression of emotions in check. Be selfless and make the holidays about others and what their needs are. Be keenly aware, that your kids’ needs will likely include time with the other parent.

Plan the Holiday Visitation and Travel Schedule Early. Don’t just assume that your ex will be aware of or will cooperate in fulfilling your expectations for the perfect holiday with the kids. Communicate early and plan ahead with your kids’ other parent so that there is no confusion or frustration when the holiday actually comes around. Don’t assume anything about the schedule. Don’t wait until Thanksgiving to talk about the holidays. Start talking and coordinating in July – or even earlier. That way, when the holiday comes around, there will be no surprises.

In summary, the holidays after divorce can be a time when cherished memories are created. However, they can also be a time of heartache and terrible memories if not done properly. Don’t let the holidays after divorce be a flashpoint for your kids to remember how badly you and your ex behaved. Let it be “Peace on Earth” for your kids. That means that you need to take responsibility to be a peacemaker with the other parent.

These are just a few ideas. Maybe you have some ideas or tips. Share them with me!

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Why “Fair” is the F-Word in Divorce Negotiations

December 23, 2015, 10:20 am

≫ Next: Looking at the New Year Post Divorce

≪ Previous: Holidays After Divorce – Bring Peace on Earth to Your Kids

Those of you who know me are aware that my wife and I have five kids. When I tell people how many kids I have, there is usually an audible gasp and sometimes and expletive. (I don’t know why because I love my kids.) But as any parent will know, kids have a lot to learn about this world. One very important lesson to learn in the Weber house is that a lament that something isn’t “fair” gets you nowhere. We make it clear to the kids that “life isn’t fair and the sooner you learn that, the better off you’ll be.” That’s why “fair” is the F-word.

When people come through my door, I see the tumult in their lives. Clients will often make demands for what they view as the “fair” outcome. However, “fair” is a subjective concept and quite impossible to define objectively during family law or divorce negotiations. In their search for peace, clients sometimes bog themselves down in a vain attempt to achieve an unachievable result.

Really, there is no such things as “fair” in family law. There’s a reason for that. The idea of “fair” is rooted in one’s perspective and perception. We view “fair” through our own prism of reality. In family law or divorce negotiations, what one party might view as fair is often different from what another person views as fair. If fair were easy to define, I would be out of a job because people would just be able agree with little to no effort. But fair is not an objective standard. Fair is always subjectively defined.

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Why “Fair” Is the F-Word

Concepts of “justice” are equally subjective. The statue we see at court of Lady Justice with the blindfold and the scales is a myth. Anyone who has spent anytime around a courthouse knows that justice is rarely achieved. Rather, the courts simply apply the imperfect laws written by imperfect legislatures and interpreted by imperfect courts. Very often, application of those laws are perceived as unfair or unjust.

Rather than asking, “what is fair,” it makes more sense to ask, “What is a good business decision?” or “What will maximize my outcome given the hand that I have been dealt.” These questions remove the emotional and loaded questions regarding justice and fairness and allow the participant to focus on reaching a settlement that he or she can live with. A settlement by definition requires compromise. A compromise by definition means that both parties are giving something up. Fair, in that situation, isn’t the point. Rather, the focus is on making a decision that can end the conflict so that a person can move on, which in turn will bring peace.

Many of the rapids on our journey through life a borne in a sense of dissatisfaction with the choices before us. Divorce has a way of limiting many of our choices.

I’ve never seen a client find peace in life by focusing on what is fair or unfair. Peace comes from finding a resolution and reaching an acceptance of what is. It’s an opportunity to transition from a conflictual sense of being to one that is harmonious and whole.

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Looking at the New Year Post Divorce

December 30, 2015, 3:24 pm

≫ Next: How can we divide personal property without going crazy?

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Alas! A New Year has come and gone again. For most of my current clients, 2015 was a rough year. It brought them the end of their marriages. The year may have been filled with conflict with a former spouse over money, kids, etc. Perhaps there were tears shed. Maybe dreams were shattered. Sound depressing? It can be. But 2015 is over, so there is an opportunity to build a new experience for the New Year post divorce.

Here are my suggestions for some words to consider when making your resolutions for the New Year post divorce. This is in no way a comprehensive list. It’s just some of my own thoughts. Perhaps you have your own resolution ideas that you would like to share. Here are mine:

Peace.

You got a divorce for a reason, right? I’m sure things weren’t all butterflies and rainbows. But now you are divorced. So take the opportunity to stop the fighting and discontinue the war with your ex. If there is a legitimate legal concern that needs addressing, use mediation or Collaborative Practice instead of adversarial litigation to resolve those differences. It’s a great opportunity to move on and find peace in the New Year post divorce. A meditation or mindfulness practice can go a long way towards achieving some peace.

Co-Parenting.

Before your divorce, parenting may have been easier. Post-divorce, you still have to interact with the person you divorced to raise your kids. Your kids need you to get along. There is a lot of evidence that continued parental conflict after the divorce is very harmful to children. Resolve now to be the best co-parent you can be in the New Year post divorce. Look for ways to be cooperative (even when the other parent doesn’t). If you haven’t always been a leader in the child rearing arena, now is the time to step up to the plate and make a helpful contribution. Be the grown up here and your kids will thank you.

Self-reliance.

Now that you are on your own, you don’t have the other person there to rely on. This is a great opportunity to stand on your own two feet with your head held high. Be your own person. Be strong. Be self-assured. Be independent.

If you are receiving alimony, look for ways to be self-supporting so that you don’t need support anymore. Meet with a vocational counselor to make new career goals. Enroll in school or get trained, or retrained, in a field that you can be passionate about.

Plan for your future financial well-being. Meet with a financial advisor to make sure you are using your money wisely. Come up with a five year or ten year plan. Meet with an estate planning attorney to make sure you have updated your will and estate plan.

Health.

Perhaps during 2015 you let the stress of the divorce affect your health. Maybe you didn’t eat well. Maybe you stopped going to the gym. Maybe you weren’t sleeping well. Perhaps you were depressed or angry causing your emotional well-being to suffer. Resolve now to restore your health in the New Year post divorce.

Take the time to eat well and exercise. Get good sleep. Perhaps get your annual physical from your doctor and make a plan for your physical health. Take care of your body and it will take care of you.

But don’t forget your emotional health either. Divorce can be such a toxic and painful experience. If you are struggling, meet with a therapist and work through the changes in your life resulting from your divorce. Before you date, make sure that you work though any lingering issues you may have so that you can be your best self before you involve another person in your life. I have noticed a clear correlation in my clients who sought post-divorce therapy and their level of happiness years later.

Forgiveness.

I know that “forgiveness” is a loaded word. It’s easier said then done. You may be hurt or angry with your former spouse. As mentioned before, you got divorced for a reason. However, you are divorced now. It’s time to let it go. The past is in the past.

Now keep in mind, I am not suggesting that you allow yourself to be abused if that is what happened before. Keep in place whatever safety measure you have to make sure you can’t be hurt again. I am just suggesting that it is time to move on from there. Anger and hurt can be very damaging emotions. Do what you can this year to forgive so that you can leave those terrible feelings behind you. If you find you can’t do it alone (and most can’t) talk to someone. Turn to a spiritual advisor or a mentor to help you leave the past in the past.

Don’t forget to forgive yourself. Guilt has it’s place, but it can eat you up if you can’t get past it. Perhaps you have serious regrets about how your marriage ended. Rather than let the guilt consume you, find a way to learn from the experience, forgive everyone involved and move on.

You have read my list of New Year’s Resolution words for the newly divorced. What are some of your words? I would love to read them!

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How can we divide personal property without going crazy?

January 1, 2016, 2:00 am

≫ Next: Five Tips to Have a Miserable Divorce

≪ Previous: Looking at the New Year Post Divorce

Sometimes it is most difficult in divorce cases to divide personal property —the “stuff” accumulated over the years of a relationship. When people share their lives with each other, they also share and accumulate a lot of personal property. Sometimes the task of dividing the household furniture, furnishings and appliances can be a real struggle. Not only can it be difficult to physically divide and value the assets, it can be a real emotional rollercoaster.

I mediated for a divorcing couple recently, who had their most difficult struggles dividing the pots, pans, furniture, washer, dryer, stereo and those little knick-knacks they picked up at the swap meet over the years. Worse they were on the “pack rat” side of things so they accumulated a lot of things together. Each item represented something important. One piece of artwork reminded them of their romantic vacation in Mexico. The silver they had purchased together to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary. The little statuette on the mantel was a gift from their child. All through the house they saw many symbols of their relationship and all that they had invested in each other. As a result, a task to divide personal property was extremely painful.

Here are some tips to help you divide personal property:

Understand that the court would only award a household asset at garage sale value.

Unless it is a Steinway Grand Piano or a rare piece of artwork, the chances are high that your stuff is not worth nearly what you may think. While you are looking at the values of things, think of what you would, as an objective outsider, pay for the item at a garage sale or a flea market. Be careful not to allow emotions to “inflate” in your mind the value of the flatware or the coffee maker. Yes we know that the teddy bear collection is absolutely adorable, but honestly, what would a third person really want to pay for it. Use common sense and don’t allow your emotions to cloud things for you when you divide personal property.

Do it yourself.

It is really not cost effective to pay your attorney $300 plus per hour to fight about who gets which couch or who gets the bath mat. If it’s a high dollar asset such as expensive artwork or collectable antiques, you may want to use your professionals. But, for most things it makes more sense to save the money and do it yourself.

Do an inventory first.

It’s a good idea early in the process and before you start dividing things to make a list. If time is a problem, I often recommend going through the house with a video camera and speaking about each item as you tape. You can then go make your list later.

Make a list to divide personal property.

In fact, make several lists. I suggest four columns. Column 1 means he gets it. Column 2 means she gets it. Sell everything you list in column three and divide what money you get equally. Column 4 is for those things in your closet to throw away or donate like the polyester suit in the closet, your old beta video tapes or the pile of Louis L’Amour novels that you haven’t read in twenty years. Notice, I am not including a list for items about which you cannot agree. I am a big believer in using the old Solomon method. If you can’t agree on who gets it, then sell it or donate it. You simply can’t afford, for most items, to spend the time arguing and spending money on your attorneys. One idea, if you are stuck, is to just take turns picking items you can’t agree on until they are gone. Another idea is to give extremely sentimental items as gifts to your children.

Make a plan for photographs and videos.

I recommend that you choose a date when each of you will make photographs and videos taken during the marriage available to the other. The person making the photograph or video available will allow the other to choose which ones her or she would like to duplicate. There are services available that can duplicate these items and even restore some of them for you for a reasonable fee. With today’s computers, scanners and printers, you may be able to do a lot of this yourselves. Each of you should share equally in the duplication costs.

Pets, according to the law, are property.

I have had many clients tell me how their pets have become nearly as important to them as children. They are often surprised to learn that the court deals with them not as living things so much as property. Few courts will entertain a pet “custody battle.” Remember, a court has the ability to truly play Solomon with your pets and order them sold. I advise parties to do everything they can to work it out relating to the pets. Do everything possible to consider your pets’ needs and do what is best for them rather than allowing them to become an issue of property division.

Be careful if there is a history of domestic violence.

In cases where there has been domestic violence, sometimes it is difficult to sit together and divide personal property. In such instances, it is probably advisable to go ahead and use your attorney as at least a go between. Naturally, if there are restraining orders in place, it would be impossible to meet face to face. But the same ideas described above apply. It is just you will need to make arrangements to inventory the house without the other being present and with proper legal arrangements. Don’t violate a restraining order just to get some stuff out of the house.

I have had many clients tell me that the process of dividing the personal items was a healthy cleansing process.

One client told me, it was nice to get rid of some of our old, useless stuff and start over for a fresh, clean break. If even after following these steps, a couple still finds it difficult emotionally, I recommend making use of a divorce coach, who can even come to your home while you do the division. Typically using a single divorce coach is much more cost effective than using your attorneys to divide household items.

If both parties approach the task to divide personal property with a fair, patient and open mind they will likely be successful in doing the division with little to no attorney intervention. The court’s are particularly happy when parties can reach agreements on their own. Parties should be careful not to allow the division of things bring unnecessary conflict. Remember, they are just things and not people.

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Five Tips to Have a Miserable Divorce

February 10, 2016, 10:14 pm

≫ Next: Forgiveness During Divorce: A key to finding peace

≪ Previous: How can we divide personal property without going crazy?

Under the best of circumstances, a divorce can be an awful experience. But there are some things you can do right now to make sure that you have a completely horrible, miserable divorce. Here are some tips:

1. Hire the cheapest attorney.

You get what you pay for and an attorney can be the difference in having a good divorce or a miserable divorce. So by all means, hire the cheapest attorney in the phone book.

2. Find a shark to represent you.

Make sure that you find the toughest and meanest attorney you can find. Make sure she is very expensive. Look for the largest ad in the phone book and find the picture of the attorney with the angriest face. This is a sure way to increase the conflict in your divorce and make things completely awful. A shark attorney will do a good job of running up the clock and the billable hours, but generally won’t care about you at all. The shark will unnecessarily increase the conflict so that he can increase his billable hours. What little relationship you have left with your soon to be ex will be out the window and you will have years of anger and hatred to look forward to. When the case is over, you will probably have to declare bankruptcy because the definition of victory for a shark is that you have $2, your spouse gets $1 and the lawyers get the rest. Best of all, you will spend your kids’ college funds and probably put your lawyer’s kids through school instead.

3. What ever you do, don’t get a therapist.

You don’t want a therapist to help you with the emotional turmoil you are experiencing now. You want to be plagued by depression, anger, guilt and anxiety. A therapist can help with all of those things, so to truly have a miserable divorce, you want to avoid any mental health professional. Try to deal with it yourself and let your emotions blossom into a full blown temporary psychosis.

4. Use your children as pawns.

One important key to having a miserable divorce is to destroy your kids in the process. Studies have shown that the conflict of divorce does more to harm kids than the divorce itself. So go out of your way to increase the conflict between you and your ex. Make sure that the kids are in the middle of the conflict. Use them as messengers for adult business. Tell them about how horrible your ex is. Make sure that you fight for every minute with your kids that you can. Be sure to have a lot of shouting and swearing when you exchange the kids. That’s a sure way to make sure that your children grow up to have depression, relationship problems, obsessive compulsive disorder, eating disorders and drug addictions. Best of all, your children will grow to resent you, which would truly make for a miserable divorce.

5. Demand justice.

There is no such things as justice in Family Court. That’s why to have a miserable divorce you should demand it! It’s a sure way to spend a lot of time, money and energy only to be disappointed. Don’t compromise unless it meets your perfect definition of justice and fairness. Because your spouse probably has a different opinion of what “fair” means, this technique is particularly effective at disappointing you.

These are my top five. Do you have any others? Comment below and share with me your tips for a miserable divorce.

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Forgiveness During Divorce: A key to finding peace

May 17, 2016, 4:55 pm

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You are in control of how angry and hurt you remain after your divorce. Using principles of forgiveness during divorce will help you move on.

Almost every divorce involves a situation where somebody did someone wrong. Or… at the very least, someone feels like someone did somebody wrong. Sometimes I feel like I am living the B.J. Thomas song, “Another Somebody Done Somebody Wrong Song”.

The reality is that divorce sucks. It hurts a lot in fact. As a California divorce mediator, I used to hide behind the excuse that California is a no-fault state and what happened to lead to the divorce is legally irrelevant. But the no-fault concept misses the point that divorce is more than just a legal process; it’s a human experience.

The parties to a divorce are real people with real pain. Often a case just won’t settle until the parties are able to process in some way or another the emotional hurt they are experiencing.

I don’t mean to minimize the pain, because I know it is very real. However, there is a place where a person can let go of the anger and hurt in order to move on.

Perhaps you have heard of the fable of the monkey trap. Apparently, you can take a jar with an opening large enough to fit a monkey hand and fill the jar with cookies. The monkey then comes along, inserts his hand through the opening to grab a cookie. However, because his fist with the cookie is now larger than the opening to the jar, the monkey can’t remove his fist and is trapped. Rather than rationally letting go of the cookie, the monkey will remain trapped indefinitely.

There is at least some truth to the story as shown by this video about a hunter capturing a baboon with a similar strategy:

Similar to the monkey who won’t let go, we tend to hold onto our grudges. By holding onto our hurt and anger with a clenched fist, we can become trapped until we figure out to let go. Similar to the monkey, it’s hard to escape a divorce situation without learning to also release the clenched fist. A person might finish her divorce, but will still carry the pain into the post-divorce life and even into the next relationship.

Forgiveness during divorce is an important way to release anger. Buddha said, “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” Anger and the search for revenge rarely help anything. They certainly don’t bring peace.

If you find yourself consumed with anger when you think of your ex, consider letting go. Make a conscious decision to forgive the other person. Notice that I am not suggesting that you allow yourself to be harmed again by someone who has caused you harm. I simply suggest that forgiving and letting go of the anger will go a long way to finding peace.

Remember, forgiveness during divorce is an exercise that only the injured person can control. It does not require the wrongdoer to pay for what he did to you or to apologize. The other person does not even need to be sorry. Your forgiving and letting go is entirely up to you. It’s not easy, but it is completely within your control.

If you find forgiveness during divorce difficult to achieve and find that it gets in the way of moving on, consider discussing the issue with clergy or a mental health professional. Until you can let go of the anger, you, like the monkey, will be stuck.

If you think forgiveness during divorce it is too hard, you are wrong. It is reachable. There are tons of examples in the world of people who forgave the unspeakable and found that their lives were better for it. Some examples are shown below.

My Latest Appearance on San Diego ESPN Radio Real Talk San Diego

August 23, 2016, 10:13 pm

≫ Next: Five Questions to Ask When Hiring a Divorce Mediator

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Shawn Weber the Dolphin Lawyer on ESPN Real Talk San Diego talking about mediation

The “Dolphin Lawyer” Shawn Weber

Shawn Weber on the Radio

I had a blast on Real Talk San Diego on ESPN Radio AM 1700 with co-hosts Ryan White and Karen Kaseno as well as my good friend and fellow University of San Diego School of Law Alum, Brian Dirkmaat, of the Coast Law Group. I enjoyed sharing my insights about Divorce Mediation and my Dolphin Lawyering philosophy. Give it a listen and let me know what you think.

Listen to the Podcast Here:

https://soundcloud.com/realtalksandiego/shawn-weber-brian-dirkmaat-08-18-16

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Five Questions to Ask When Hiring a Divorce Mediator

August 26, 2016, 6:49 pm

≫ Next: Early intervention: Why mediation early in a family law case can save a fortune in fees and stress.

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If you are thinking about divorce mediation, you need to consider that not all mediators are created equally.

In fact, some are much better than others. What’s more, a bad mediator can cost you a lot of stress and money in the long run. Good conflict resolution requires a very specific set of skills. In other words, it’s best to get a mediator who knows what she is doing.

In California, there are no licensure requirements for mediators. So, it’s buyer beware to some extent.

Here are some questions to ask mediators when interviewing potential candidates:

#1: How much mediation training has the mediator had?

Training is really important. Good mediators have a specific skill set in working with parties to resolve their differences. These skills in listening and communication are crucial to a case going well or poorly. Make sure your mediator has sufficient training and has received continuing training as well. If they just took a course 15 years ago, for example, without getting any updates, they probably will be lacking in skills.

Looking for divorce mediation training?
Check out Family Resolution Institute here
for more information.

#2: What other professional credentials does the mediator have?

You want to make sure that the mediator has professional know-how beyond just a one-time mediation training course. Typical mediators are either lawyers, mental health professionals or financial professionals. They should have a working professional knowledge of the issues you are going to face. When drafting settlement documents, it is often helpful to have an attorney serve as your mediator. Mental health professionals are excellent for custody cases or cases where emotions are particularly high. Financial professionals help a ton with the financial issues. If there is no other underlying credential, you might want to look elsewhere. Also, be careful of unlicensed professionals. For instance, just because someone has a J.D., they may not necessarily be licensed attorney. You certainly don’t want a disbarred attorney as you mediator. If they don’t have an active license, ask why.

#3: Is the mediator a full-time mediator, or a dabbler?

It’s best to get a mediator who mediates on a full-time basis and not a person, who just dabbles in mediation. A person who mediates full-time takes the profession seriously. People often get into trouble if they hire a person whose full-time job is as an adversarial attorney or a therapist, for example, who may only mediate now and then. Such folks will likely not have the skills you need to get results.

#4: Beware of one-day or super cheap processes.

Marriage is not an easy thing to unwind. Be careful of mediators who promise results in one day or some other very short time period. Chances are, you will feel rushed, and your settlement will not cover what it needs to cover.

Also, be careful of super-cheap mediators. In many cases, you really do get what you pay for. There can be lasting consequences if you rush your process and miss something important.

#5: Ask the divorce mediator about his/her process and mediation style.

Every mediator is different and may have a different style. Some mediators are much more facilitative while others are more directive and evaluative. As a result, the relationship with your mediator is very personal. A mediator who is excellent for one couple may not be so good for another. So take the time to get to know the mediator, her process, and style before you engage.

Hopefully, these tips will help you with the mediation selection process. Very importantly, don’t rely on your mediator for legal advice. Even if your mediator is an attorney, he can’t be YOUR attorney because of conflict of interest concerns. So it is always smart during any mediation process to consult with a lawyer to make sure that your decisions are informed.

At Weber Dispute Resolution, we provide both attorney consultation service and mediation services. To get more information, give us a call at 858-410-0144.

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Early intervention: Why mediation early in a family law case can save a fortune in fees and stress.

December 31, 2016, 2:34 pm

≫ Next: How much does it cost to go to divorce mediation?

≪ Previous: Five Questions to Ask When Hiring a Divorce Mediator

As a certified family law specialist (CLS-F)[i], I have been involved in divorce mediation and alternate dispute resolution (ADR) for more than 15 years. I regularly serve as a pro tem settlement judge on the Mandatory Settlement Conference (MSC) Panel with the San Diego County Superior Court. While I enjoy helping folks through their MSCs, the help is simply too little too late for many people. Often preparation for the MSC is nearly as stressful and costly as preparing for the trial. In addition, lawyers need to certify that discovery is complete and prepare elaborate briefs. Waiting until the very end of a case to attempt mediation does the parties and the professionals a great disservice. I see this in the pained and stressed-out expressions on parties and counsel at the MSCs I facilitate.

There are many options at the beginning of the case to settle issues, manage discovery concerns and resolve unnecessary conflict. Even (and especially) high conflict cases can benefit from earlier intervention with a mediator to short circuit the conflict. Attorneys benefit from early mediation because it helps them settle the cases that can settle. That frees them up to focus on trials for cases that won’t settle.

Here are some ideas for how you can engage the ADR services of a mediator early in your family law case:

Meet and Confer on Steroids.

Every family law attorney is aware of the requirement for the “meet and confer” conference. Too often it’s simply given lip service by a short phone call to opposing counsel without discussing the issues. Because lawyers sometimes give less attention to what needs to happen to settle, the case stalls. Why not have a facilitated meet and confer settlement conference to identify the issues and formulate a plan for a swift conclusion?

Discovery Management.

Often the most expensive part of a case is the discovery, which involves elaborate and arcane procedures to gather as much evidence as possible. Sometimes this is whether the case needs the information or not. The adversarial process spurs less and not more cooperation in discovery. This can lead to months or even years of discovery wars. Why not use a mediator to help “referee” the discovery? Most discovery can be provided informally with much less cost. A mediator can help facilitate the discovery process to specifically target discovery needs and conclude the case with much less rancor and headache for the lawyers and cost to the parties.

Managing the High Conflict Case.

There is a common misconception that people cannot mediate high conflict cases. That’s simply not true. Most high conflict behavior in divorce cases is based on fear and hurt. So, engaging a good mediator early in the process reduces conflict by managing the fight-or-flight response. Court tends to exacerbate and actually encourage high conflict pathologies. Rather than encouraging discord with a fight at court, consider short-circuiting conflict with a mediator experienced in high conflict. Consequently, if parties learn early how to interact productively, it makes the rest of the case go more smoothly.

Use Early Mediation to Resolve Interim Issues.

The terribly backlogged Family Courts sometimes take months to hear even the most routine (and sometimes pressing) interim motions. I can usually help as a mediator to resolve interim questions like support and custody in a fraction of the time and cost compared to filing a Request for Order. Because a mediated settlement conference efficiently resolves interim issues, the parties can relax a little more and focus on concluding the case rather than reacting to interim problems.

Consider a Court-Ordered Family Resolution Plan and Use of ADR Pursuant to Family Code Section 2451.

One little-known provision of the Family Code involves the use of Alternate Dispute Resolution (ADR) as part of a court-ordered family centered case resolution plan as described in Family Code section 2451. California Rule of Court 5.83 describes how the plan can be implemented. Parties can appoint a case manager as part of the plan and can also apply Code of Civil Procedure section 639 to appoint the case manager as a discovery referee. Further, Family Code section 2451(a)(3) gives protection to attorneys who follow any discovery plans adopted as part of a court-ordered family resolution plan as follows:

“Limitations on discovery, including temporary suspension pending exploration of settlement. There is a rebuttable presumption that an attorney who carries out discovery as provided in a family centered case resolution plan has fulfilled his or her duty of care to the client as to the existence of community property.”

I have used this procedure to great effect. It can do a lot to reduce costs and keep the case moving quickly towards settlement.

Let Us Move Your Case Past Stuck.

Because there are many ADR options beyond an end-of-case settlement conference where a mediator can make a huge difference, the key is to start early. At Weber Dispute Resolution, we have the training, skills, and experience to get your family law case past stuck. That’s because our approach serves to support existing relationships with legal counsel and will not waste family wealth by exacerbating family conflict. Experience first-hand the difference a dolphin lawyer can make.

Want to get your case past stuck?
Consider a mediated
Settlement Conference with
Weber Dispute Resolution.
Call us at 858-410-0144
to start settling your case.

[i] Certified Specialist – Family Law, The State Bar of California Board of Legal Specialization.

The post Early intervention: Why mediation early in a family law case can save a fortune in fees and stress. appeared first on Weber Dispute Resolution.

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How much does it cost to go to divorce mediation?

February 18, 2017, 7:28 pm

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Divorce Expenses

A wedding in the United States costs on average more than $26,000. This doesn’t include the honeymoon. (Source: http://www.costofwedding.com) Add raising kids at a cost of $233,610 per kid and the cost of your family can be very, very high. (Source: http://money.cnn.com/2017/01/09/pf/cost-of-raising-a-child-2015/) Surprisingly, even with the high rate of divorce in America, people think very little about the cost of divorce until it is upon them.
Most Americans are shocked at the many tens of thousands of dollars it can take to get a divorce. In my experience, a contested divorce can be anywhere from $20,000 to $100,000 for the average couple in San Diego County. (This figure is based on the averages I have seen in my personal practice back when I used to litigate.)

Contested divorce expenses are usually higher because of exorbitant legal fees. People often overlook other “hidden” divorce expenses like the cost to refinance or sell a house. Additionally, there can be increased costs for couples to have anything close to the same lifestyle they had before the divorce. Moving to different households means that couples can’t pool their resources and efforts like they did before. When you are buying two gallons of milk instead of one, life just costs more. Finally, it is hard to put a price tag on the emotional toll on the family in tears, sleepless nights, stress and worry that are just part of an adversarial divorce.

Conflict Is Expensive

All in all, divorce expenses in adversarial or litigated cases are worse because conflict is expensive and imposes higher transaction costs. Conflict simply costs more than harmony. Spending money to fight, investigate, litigate and generally be adverse simply drives up the price tag.

Conversely, peaceful options for divorce such as collaborative divorce or mediation can help keep divorce expenses in check. At my office in Solana Beach, California, the average divorce mediation cost falls anywhere between $5,000 and $9,000. Of course, the costs largely depend on the complexity of the case and the level of conflict. As a mediator, folks pay me for my ability to help manage and resolve disputes. When the conflict is higher, that means I have more work to do, which, in turn, makes it cost more.

Divorce mediation cost is generally less than going to court. There are several reasons for this.

Divorce Mediation is Cheaper Because of Informal Discovery.

In litigation, formal discovery is one of the most costly elements of a case. Because mediation is an informal process, discovery is typically done informally with much lower costs. Litigators make tons of money off of depositions, demands for production of documents and interrogatories, each of which requires specialized formal responses. In mediation, parties can choose less costly approaches to value assets like real estate than in litigation, because agreement puts an end to the need for forensic purity. If the parties agree on a valuation method or even a value, then there is no need to hire a costly forensic expert.

Divorce Mediation is Cheaper Because The Parties Drive the Process

photo of divorce mediation session In mediation, parties drive the process as opposed to court where the lawyers control everything. In litigation, you pay your lawyer for time spent on the case. If your lawyer is the ones driving the bus, then the bills will pile up.

In contrast, divorce mediation encourages the parties to drive the process and do a lot of the work themselves. The mediator is there to guide and facilitate, but decisions are made by the parties. It’s still good to bring in lawyers, but in mediation the lawyer’s role is more consultative than directive. You can use your consulting attorney on an as-needed basis and avoid paying her to run the entire case. Get your advice and make your decisions with the information you need. But let mediation keep your costs down by keeping the lawyers out of the day-to-day management of the case.

Divorce Mediation Cost Is Low Because There Is Less Involvement with the Courts.

In a litigated case, there is a lot of interaction with the court. Lawyers file interim motions and must attend hearings. Any interaction with the courts will cost you in billable hours. Plus, courts are overburdened and slow. A simple issue can take months to resolve at court. Formal legal rules and procedures add to the costs by forcing your attorney to do more work. In contrast, mediation cuts down on the need to interact with the court thereby cutting the need for formal processes. In my mediation practice, I can resolve most issues and concerns in a fraction of the time that a court would take. This keeps the divorce mediation cost lower. Because my processes are informal, you would only pay an attorney to get advice about your rights and not to go to court. Less formality translates to faster outcomes and fewer billable hours.

Divorce Mediation Cost is Low Because It Reduces Conflict and Reduces Emotional Damage

You really can’t put a price tag on the human cost that families feel when parties litigate. Divorce is tough enough. Litigation can actually make the conflict worse.

For example, children suffer as a result of the conflict. (Aside from therapy bills, your children may have a lifetime of emotional cost if exposed to conflict. It’s always best to reduce their exposure to conflict.) Instead of fighting, reducing the conflict by finding solutions to problems greatly reduces the impact on the kids.

Also, people going through a divorce feel a huge amount of stress as it is. Conflict just adds to that stress. With a resolution through mediation, people are more knowledgeable on how to resolve issues without harming each other, their children, and others, while experiencing peace.

Divorce Mediation: Why patience with your spouse is so important

March 21, 2017, 10:56 pm

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In my divorce mediation career, I’ve learned over the years that people approach divorce from different places. Sometimes people want the divorce very badly and are happy to get started. Others are devastated by the breakup.

It’s not uncommon for a couple in the process of their separation to move at different speeds. One party may be ready to move quickly while the other spouse may be having a terrible time and may need to move more slowly. In my experience, the divorce mediation will only move as quickly as the slowest person. That can be very frustrating to the spouse who wants it over with. My best advice is to take your time and give the other person the time and space he or she needs.

Divorce can feel like a death.

In her seminal work, on Death and Dying, Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross describes the “Five Stages of Grief”. They are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. Divorce professionals have learned to spot these very same stages and patterns when people face the loss of their marriage during a divorce. (See The Emotional Stages of Divorce: What to Expect During and After the Divorce ProcessThe Emotional Stages of Divorce: What to Expect During and After the Divorce Process) We’ve learned that people are unable to effectively deal with the present issues of the divorce without reaching the point of acceptance that the divorce is happening. But to get to acceptance, people first need to travel through the other four grief stages. That can take some time. If you’ve sat with your decision to divorce for awhile before breaking it to your spouse, it is likely that you went through the five stages of grief on your own before reaching your own point of acceptance. Your spouse, who may be just learning of your intention to divorce is late to the grief cycle. You’ll need to afford him or her some patience and time to work through it.

If you’ve been sitting with your decision to divorce for awhile before breaking it to your spouse, it is likely that you went through the five stages of grief on your own before reaching your own point of acceptance. Your spouse, who may be just learning of your intention to divorce is late to the grief cycle. You’ll need to afford him or her some patience and time to work through it.

Forcing a person to complete a divorce case before completing the grief process can be problematic.

First, a rushed agreement is rarely followed.

The person who is rushed will resent the process and will likely make efforts to undermine or to revise the agreement. Worse, a party who agreed under duress would have grounds to set aside the settlement altogether. It is better to take the time to get the settlement right so that there is buy-in from both parties.

Second, pushing the slower party often has the opposite of the intended effect.

If you own a dog, you may very well know the behavior that happens when you try to pull on a dog’s leash. The dog will tug in the opposite direction or may even stubbornly stop moving or sit down. In divorce mediation, trying to rush a party often has the same effect. The slower spouse who is rushed may even slow down more.

Third, not allowing the slower spouse room to accept and deal emotionally with the divorce mediation process can lead the pushed spouse to choose more aggressive and expense processes such as divorce litigation.

Trust me, the wheels of justice at court will turn even slower. So it’s best to work with your spouse to try to reach consensus. But if that consensus doesn’t come overnight, it’s not the end of the world. Letting your spouse have the time in a safe space to deliberate, review financials and consult with a lawyer is best even for the faster spouse because pushing a person too hard can lead to a much slower court process.

In Divorce Mediation, Slower is Faster.

So be patient and compassionate towards your soon-to-be ex. Let him or her have time to deal with the emotional pain of the breakup. Don’t push so hard that he or she slows down or worse, chooses to litigate. Sometimes slower is, in fact, faster.

My Appearance on “Smarter San Diego” to Talk About Divorce Mediation

March 24, 2017, 12:38 am

≫ Next: How can I obtain a marriage annulment in California?

≪ Previous: Divorce Mediation: Why patience with your spouse is so important

I had a great opportunity to go on “Smarter San Diego” with Bryan Devore, a great San Diego realtor and co-founder of Divorce Home Solutions. Interviewed by Derrik Evens (“Mr. Credit”), we discussed divorce mediation, collaborative divorce and Dolphin Lawyering. I was happy to describe how meditation can make a divorce much better than going to family court because it preserves wealth and protects kids. Give it a watch and let us know what you think!

Why “Fair” is the F-Word in Divorce Negotiations

How much does it cost to go to divorce mediation?

The post My Appearance on “Smarter San Diego” to Talk About Divorce Mediation appeared first on Weber Dispute Resolution.

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How can I obtain a marriage annulment in California?

April 1, 2017, 1:03 pm

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What’s the difference between a divorce and an annulment?

I often have a potential client call me and say that he or she wants a marriage annulment. Often the request is based on confusion about the differences between an annulment and a divorce. The differences are profound and I will attempt to lay them out here.

Dissolution of Marriage

First, a divorce is a dissolution of a marriage. In other words, we take a marriage that existed and terminate it. We speak in terms of “length of the marriage” being the period between the date of marriage and the date of separation. To get a divorce in California, a person must have lived within the State of California for six months and the county of residence for at least three months before filing. There is also a six-month waiting period from when the Petition for Dissolution of Marriage is served before the divorce can be granted. With divorce come the issues of spousal support (or alimony) and division of community property.

Annulment

In contrast, if the court grants an annulment (or nullity), it is as if the marriage never existed. Crucially, a person does not need to meet the residency requirements. There is no six-month waiting period before the annulment is granted. Because the marriage never technically existed, issues of spousal support and community property typically (with some exceptions that I won’t get into here) fall by the wayside.

There are strict requirements for getting an annulment in California.

To get an annulment in California, the Court requires that there are specific “grounds”. The available grounds for a nullity are:

The marriage was incestuous. (Cal. Fam. § 2200);
The marriage was bigamous (Cal. Fam. § 2201);
One of the parties was below the age of consent at the time of marriage (Cal. Fam. §2210(a));
One of the parties had a prior existing marriage to another person believed to be dead, but isn’t (Cal. Fam. §2210(b));
A party was of unsound mind at the time of marriage (Cal. Fam. §2210(c));
A party obtained the consent marry by fraud (Cal. Fam. §2210(d);
A party obtained the consent to marry by force (Cal. Fam. §2210(e); or
Either party was, at the time of marriage, physically incapable of entering into the marriage state, and that incapacity continues and appears to be incurable. (Cal. Fam. §2210(f)).

A party seeking an annulment must prove that one of the above grounds is met. Otherwise, the court won’t grant the nullity and the party will need to seek a divorce.

My Appearance on “Smarter San Diego” to Talk About Divorce Mediation

Forgiveness During Divorce: A key to finding peace

How much does it cost to go to divorce mediation?

The post How can I obtain a marriage annulment in California? appeared first on Weber Dispute Resolution.

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Great post with tips for couples planning cohabitation

July 6, 2017, 8:24 pm

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≪ Previous: How can I obtain a marriage annulment in California?

Our friends at ClosetBox just posted a great piece with 8 expert tips for couples thinking of living together. The author, Brittany Anas, was kind enough to include my expert tip, which was to be sure and have a cohabitation agreement. At least in California, the family code does nothing for non-married partners. When there is a break-up, couples are treated like business partners in a civil dispute. A cohabitation agreement goes a long way to help define expectations before moving in together. That way, if things don’t work out, there’s a plan. It’s easy to prepare and can save a lot of heartache down the road.

Other tips for the ideal cohabitation included having a discussion prior to moving in, taking inventory of the stuff, choosing a theme for decor, creating personal space and splurging on the king-size mattress. Thanks to ClosetBox and Brittany for a great post.

Read the article here.

Need an attorney to
prepare your cohabitation agreement?
Give us a call for a free 15-minute
telephone consultation at 858-410-0144.

What Does Alternative Dispute Resolution Mean?

July 13, 2017, 2:00 pm

≫ Next: Watch my appearance on Real Divorce Talk on Facebook Live

≪ Previous: Great post with tips for couples planning cohabitation

If you find yourself facing a family law matter, you might first ask, “How do I avoid going to court?” The term “alternative dispute resolution” (or “ADR”) is often used to describe conflict resolution without going to court. Parties can use ADR for any family law issue, whether it’s a divorce, child custody dispute, or support issues. But, there is a lot of confusion about what ADR practice actually entails. Professionals and parties alike often use words like “mediation,” “arbitration,” and “private judging” interchangeably. However, these terms could not be more different.

The main theme of all of these ADR options is that the mediator, arbitrator, or private judge acts as a neutral. They are not there to advocate for or legally advise either party. Rather, they are there to get the parties to a resolution, or settlement. However, the powers and abilities that they have depends entirely on which process you choose.

MEDIATION

Mediation is typically what most people think of when they think of staying out of court and reaching an agreement. A mediator’s job is to help the parties communicate with each other so they reach an agreement themselves. A mediator does not make any orders or decisions for the parties. Rather, a mediator facilitates an effective dialogue between the parties. Sometimes, a mediator might provide legal information about what the law says, but will never provide legal advice to either party. Mediation allows parties to never go to court, because it is a private process outside of court. Mediation is usually the most informal process of these three options.

ARBITRATION

Arbitration is similar to a trial at court. However, the arbitrator is the one who makes the decision rather than a public judge. Each side will present their case to the arbitrator. They might use the same procedural tools as a court process might require, such as discovery and evidence. An arbitrator then makes a decision based on each side’s case. Arbitration takes place outside of court, and is usually more relaxed and informal than the courtroom.

Parties might choose arbitration because they want a private, third-party neutral to make a decision for them, but don’t want to set foot inside a courtroom. There are two kinds of arbitration – either binding or non-binding. Binding arbitration means that the arbitrator’s decision is final, and the parties must accept that decision. However, non-binding arbitration means that if the parties disagree with the arbitrator’s decision, they can go back into court to have a judge decide.

PRIVATE JUDGING

Private judging is very similar to arbitration, except a private judge has the ability to make binding court orders the same way a public judge does. With private judging, parties generally go through the same process as litigation. This might include procedures like filing a motion at court, but a private judge would determine the case instead.

A private judge is usually much more accessible than a public judge. This is because private judges are typically experienced family law attorneys, or retired former judges. Their schedules tend to be more flexible than the impacted calendars of current sitting judges. Private judges are also able to devote more focus to one case at a time. With court, a matter may take several months before a court even has time to hear it. Parties might choose private judging if they want to have the structure and formalities of litigation, but don’t want to go through the courtroom or deal with the wait times of the court’s calendar.

There are many different options for conflict resolution. It’s important to know which one suits your personal situation best, as each process has its own pros and cons. It’s a good idea to discuss your options with a knowledgeable family law attorney who is skilled with ADR practice. He or she can help you navigate the intricacies of a family law matter, no matter which process you choose.

The post What Does Alternative Dispute Resolution Mean? appeared first on Weber Dispute Resolution.

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Watch my appearance on Real Divorce Talk on Facebook Live

November 10, 2017, 3:54 pm

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I was very pleased to have the opportunity to appear on Real Divorce Talk, a new show streaming via Facebook Live. We talked about my “Tips to Have a Miserable Divorce.” We also covered topics like emotions, Collaborative Divorce and divorce mediation. Be sure to leave a comment and let me know what you think.

Five Tips to Have a Miserable Divorce

Why “Fair” is the F-Word in Divorce Negotiations

The post Watch my appearance on Real Divorce Talk on Facebook Live appeared first on Weber Dispute Resolution.

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My second appearance on “Real Divorce Talk”

December 6, 2017, 4:24 pm

≫ Next: 6 Tips for Successful Holiday Co-parenting

≪ Previous: Watch my appearance on Real Divorce Talk on Facebook Live

I was happy to appear again on the Facebook Live program Real Divorce Talk. This time, I co-hosted with my good friend Bryan Devore. The potential for this program as a divorce information resource really excites me.

About Bryan Devore

Bryan Devore co-founded Divorce Home Solutions. There, he helps people gather needed facts to make tough choices (including whether to sell their home or to stay). They provide helpful services along with access to trusted divorce pros guiding folks through the divorce transition.

Bryan and his partner, Jami Shapiro, also sponsor a Separated and Newly Divorced Meetup support group. They meet every two weeks on Tuesdays in Carlsbad from 6pm – 8pm. Because each session is led by a therapist specializing in divorce, it’s a time for folks to learn and share. Sharing experiences helps people realize they aren’t alone.

Watch Episode 2 of Real Divorce Talk for Relevant Divorce Information

This week’s Real Divorce Talk show featured Certified Divorce Financial Analyst Carlie Headapohl, divorce mortgage expert Eric Billock, nationally recognized author of The Good Divorce Dr. Constance Ahrons, and “Lemonade Divorce” attorney and mediator Allison Patton.

Today’s Topics: co-parenting, divorce emotions, divorce finances, mortgage lending during a divorce, divorce mediation, the Good Divorce, and Lemonade Divorce.

If you like what you see, then be sure to “Like” the show and follow.

For more divorce information, check out:

Forgiveness During Divorce: A key to finding peace

Watch my appearance on Real Divorce Talk on Facebook Live

We don’t get along very well. How can we possibly mediate our divorce?

The post My second appearance on “Real Divorce Talk” appeared first on Weber Dispute Resolution.

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6 Tips for Successful Holiday Co-parenting

December 14, 2017, 6:21 pm

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By Shawn Weber, Family Law Attorney and Mediator

holiday co-parenting cookies

When we think of the holidays, we think of family. Our traditions are all about bringing the family together and celebrating togetherness. We have Norman Rockwell style images in our heads of the family (and children) gathered around the table with something delicious. Whether it’s lighting the menorah or setting out cookies for Santa, the Holidays inspire hopes for greeting card type scenery and happy times with our children. After all, “it’s the most wonderful time of the year.”

However, for single parents, the holidays can be especially trying. As a family law attorney, I typically see an uptick in custody and visitation disputes prior to every major holiday. It makes sense that the most emotionally meaningful calendar dates for people sometimes lead to the most emotionally driven family disputes.

It is always amazing to me that a time of year for celebrating peace on earth can be so full of conflict. Often I will get a frantic call right before a special day.

Examples are:

“The kids were with my ex last year. Now he wants to take them again!”

“I have been planning a visit with my kids to see my parents in another state and now she is ruining our plans! I already bought plane tickets!”

“He is trying to buy the kids with expensive gifts. It makes me look terrible! He knows he doesn’t pay me enough support and I can’t keep up with him!”

“She is threatening to show up right in the middle of our holiday dinner.”

Below are some tips learned through years of trial and error as a family lawyer to help co-parents get through the holidays:

Tip #1: Be Specific In Your Holiday Co-Parenting Plan

There is a reason why lawyers write everything down. When you have your agreement in writing, there is less opportunity for playing games. When I draft custody orders, I try to include a written holiday schedule with specifics about when the kids will be with each parent for which holiday. For example, a provision might look something this:

“In every even-numbered year, Sarah shall be in the Father’s care at 10:00 A.M. on December 24 until 10:00 A.M. on December 25 and in the Mother’s care from 10:00 A.M. on December 25 until 10:00 A.M. on December 26. In every odd-numbered year, this schedule shall reverse.”

(As an aside, notice that I split up the Christmas holiday in a way that lets both parents share in the fun. This is a very typical type of provision to consider including in your holiday co-parenting plan.)

The more specific your order, the less confusing your holiday co-parenting will be on the day of the holiday. Remember, confusion and ambiguity breed conflict and disagreement.

Tip #2: Don’t Wait Until the Last Minute. Discuss and Agree to Holiday Co-Parenting Plans Early.

Planning a trip to North Dakota with the kids for winter break? Then make your holiday co-parenting plans and get your ex’s agreement early. I can’t tell you how many times I have seen a party make plans and buy non-refundable tickets only to have those plans dashed at the last minute because they didn’t consult with the other parent. Talk about it early. Agree on travel plans. Get it in writing.

Tip #3: Talk to each other about gifts.

It can be very awkward when both parents buy little Susie a Big Hugs Elmo. So, make an effort to coordinate. And please, don’t make it a competition. It’s about your child after all.

Tip #4: Control the Relatives.

Your child does not need to hear anyone speaking ill of the other parent over turkey, even if he really is a big jerk. Make sure that relatives and family members refrain from bad mouthing. Remember, that’s your child’s other parent they’re talking about. When you allow other people to speak ill of the other parent in front of your children, it only hurts the kids.

Tip #5: Don’t be selfish. Share!

There is a real temptation to want to keep all of the holiday fun for yourself. Avoid that type of thinking. When you are co-parenting, you simply may not get to spend every holiday with your child. It’s the season of giving—remember? However, you may consider (if you are up to it) spending a holiday together with the ex. Why not do the Santa thing together? It can really make a holiday special for your child if you can pull it off without fighting. Be realistic about it, though. If you really can’t get through an evening with your ex without throwing your egg nog at him, then go the separate route.

Tip #6: Respect Boundaries.

If it is your ex’s year to have the kids on a holiday, remember to be respectful of her time with the kids. Don’t interfere. Do not try to show up at the house unannounced during dinner. Don’t worry. I know it may be really difficult to be away from your little ones during a special holiday, but it will be okay. Don’t let your kids be the subject of a tug of war on a day that is supposed to be merry and joyful. Let them experience the holiday without being placed in the middle of your struggle. Just let go—at least for the holiday. Your ex will be grateful and will be more likely to return the favor when it’s your year.

Holidays After Divorce – Bring Peace on Earth to Your Kids

The post 6 Tips for Successful Holiday Co-parenting appeared first on Weber Dispute Resolution.

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What Does Alternative Dispute Resolution Mean?

July 13, 2017, 2:00 pm

≫ Next: Watch my appearance on Real Divorce Talk on Facebook Live

≪ Previous: 6 Tips for Successful Holiday Co-parenting

The main theme of all of these alternative dispute resolution options is that the mediator, arbitrator, or private judge acts as a neutral. They are not there to advocate for or legally advise either party. Rather, they are there to get the parties to a resolution, or settlement. However, the powers and abilities that they have depends entirely on which process you choose.